It's going to be over so soon. By the time I finish this post, there'll be 50 days left. I've been so wrapped up in the planning, the doing, the not doing though I should have. And I've forgotten that I meant to keep track of this time because it'll never happen again. I am engaged to be married to the most amazing person I've ever met, the best friend I've ever had, my most kindred spirit, but only for 7 more weeks. My engaged will come to a bittersweet end in 1,115 hours. And I'll have forgotten what it was like by our first anniversary because I had my nose stuck in a stack of invitations and a pair of running shoes, not to mention earning paychecks.
What an absoutely tragic way to have spent the last 11 months (to the day).
I need to keep you better informed, if not for your sake (because, let's face: you've all gotten along fine without me) then for my own. I'm an incredibly romantic and sentimental person, but only in retrospect. I'm the one who always says, "Man I wish I had brought the camera for that." In these last two, busiest, but most important months, I need to keep better track of how I feel right now. What other time in my life will I more want to be able to recall those emotions?
Tomorrow is my second fitting. My mother goes with my this time so that she can learn to do the French Bustle in the back, in the absense of any bridesmaids living close enough to be there. I - can't - wait. During the first fitting, seeing the dress in the mirror with all of the pins holding it so close to my body, fitting every curve as if it were designed around my (lately ever slimming) figure - it was borderline magical, and I'm glad I was alone for it. I'm not good about sharing these sorts of things with people I am not either incredibly intimate with (fiance, best friends) or perfect strangers to. But the image in that mirror - the way my skin prickled with goosebumps in strange, morphing patterns... it was the first time I actually felt like I was getting married and not - how did my fiance put it? - "just being the hostess of a huge party."
That was two weeks ago, and tomorrow, we'll see the result. Of course, last time I was there, I was hours before starting my period, and not quite back in to my running rhythm after that months long hiatus in the winter. For all I know: it may still not fit at all. Wouldn't that be a joyous surprise?
One last thing: I'm ashamed of the angry, vengeful, stubborn woman I started out as at the beginning of my engagement. I started this blog in great part in order to have a place to vent about all of my frustrations coming from whatever direction they came from so that I could compose myself well in public. The intent was not to be gracious or tactful, but honest and cathardic, but in treating this blog that way, I was made to see myself for who I really was and how I really felt about people.
I don't want to be that woman.
I'm learning more and more, as this day draws closer and more people do irritating things, something I should have learned years ago as a child. Such a simple concept: just because I have a right to feel hurt, or upset, or angry, doesn't mean it makes me a better person if I exercise that right.
For that reason, I am going to consider going back through my old entries (all 3 of them) and editing the less gracious parts out. I don't want to be the type of person who has to hide a part of her life from those she wants to share it with just so she can vent. I want to be gracious and forgiving, not angry or vengeful. Just like a bride ought to be.
I mean, how quickly I forget how much I have to be thankful for. I may deserve to be upset by any numbers of things that happen as a direct result of this wedding, but in compassion, I should always remember that no one else has the privelege of marrying this amazingly supportive and loving man. And for that, the entire rest of the world deserves my deepest and profound sympathies.
What an absoutely tragic way to have spent the last 11 months (to the day).
I need to keep you better informed, if not for your sake (because, let's face: you've all gotten along fine without me) then for my own. I'm an incredibly romantic and sentimental person, but only in retrospect. I'm the one who always says, "Man I wish I had brought the camera for that." In these last two, busiest, but most important months, I need to keep better track of how I feel right now. What other time in my life will I more want to be able to recall those emotions?
Tomorrow is my second fitting. My mother goes with my this time so that she can learn to do the French Bustle in the back, in the absense of any bridesmaids living close enough to be there. I - can't - wait. During the first fitting, seeing the dress in the mirror with all of the pins holding it so close to my body, fitting every curve as if it were designed around my (lately ever slimming) figure - it was borderline magical, and I'm glad I was alone for it. I'm not good about sharing these sorts of things with people I am not either incredibly intimate with (fiance, best friends) or perfect strangers to. But the image in that mirror - the way my skin prickled with goosebumps in strange, morphing patterns... it was the first time I actually felt like I was getting married and not - how did my fiance put it? - "just being the hostess of a huge party."
That was two weeks ago, and tomorrow, we'll see the result. Of course, last time I was there, I was hours before starting my period, and not quite back in to my running rhythm after that months long hiatus in the winter. For all I know: it may still not fit at all. Wouldn't that be a joyous surprise?
One last thing: I'm ashamed of the angry, vengeful, stubborn woman I started out as at the beginning of my engagement. I started this blog in great part in order to have a place to vent about all of my frustrations coming from whatever direction they came from so that I could compose myself well in public. The intent was not to be gracious or tactful, but honest and cathardic, but in treating this blog that way, I was made to see myself for who I really was and how I really felt about people.
I don't want to be that woman.
I'm learning more and more, as this day draws closer and more people do irritating things, something I should have learned years ago as a child. Such a simple concept: just because I have a right to feel hurt, or upset, or angry, doesn't mean it makes me a better person if I exercise that right.
For that reason, I am going to consider going back through my old entries (all 3 of them) and editing the less gracious parts out. I don't want to be the type of person who has to hide a part of her life from those she wants to share it with just so she can vent. I want to be gracious and forgiving, not angry or vengeful. Just like a bride ought to be.
I mean, how quickly I forget how much I have to be thankful for. I may deserve to be upset by any numbers of things that happen as a direct result of this wedding, but in compassion, I should always remember that no one else has the privelege of marrying this amazingly supportive and loving man. And for that, the entire rest of the world deserves my deepest and profound sympathies.
3 comments:
ouch. Yes, I need to keep my angry little mouth shut sometimes. Thanks for the reminder.
I'm so glad you went to Leonardo's!! Full disclosure: I had no idea here name was Helena!! Shows how much I pay attention. But yes, that woman is a genius! I had my 2nd fitting last week and the dress fit me like a glove. I felt like Marilyn Monroe w/ all the curves I had going on. I hope your 2nd fitting is amazing, too :)
And I agree w/ you on the harsh comment thing and all of that. I'm definitely a straight up bitch sometimes, and I really want to keep that in check, especially right now. And *especially* on the wedding day. This is a HAPPY time! Stress happens (and trust me, I'm stressed right now), but I think there is a way to stress gracefully, so to speak. Good for you for realizing that :)
There *has* to be a better way to take out our frustrations - like by reaching out to people and imploring their help rather than taking it out on them, or (worse yet) someone else who's an innocent by-stander! And as nice as it is to have a forum to vent, I feel dirty when I get to a private, safe place to cathard and instead of just releasing the pressure valve a bit, I bitch to the strongest degree possible. Doesn't that say something about my character if this is how I am when no one's watching?
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