FML

As if I hadn't taken enough beatings yet:

I went to the post office yesterday to send my invitations out and ask if they could be hand-cancelled to keep them from getting caught or crumpled in the machines. The guy took one look at them, and said, "nope." Apparently, you need to stamp something on the envelope to indicate that they should not be put in the machines, and since they are black, the stamp won't show up.

FML.

Just got back from my second dress fitting. I'm practically in tears - not good ones.

I'm just too damn tall.

We didn't touch the hem at all, and there isn't any room for it to be let out. But it floats about 4 full inches off the ground. It looks awful. Everything else about it looked and felt great. But I can't get past the bottom. There is an easy fix to this, but it's not going to be "easy."

I need new shoes. Specifically, they have to be all but flat.

I've dreamed my whole life of wearing heels down the aisle, it's weird I know, but it's been one of my things. I don't want to walk down the aisle in flats. Kitten heels are going to be the only way to go, but they've got to be teeny tiny.

I'm so overwhelmed at this point. I just don't want to have to take something else on. And I don't want to have to give up my heels. And... the dress looked awful. I couldn't see past the shoes - without the shoes, it was beautiful. But I'm so worried that I won't get the right ones now. And I want colored shoes, but my mother is trying to convince me to get white so they won't be so noticable. Grr. I don't want white shoes - who wants boring white shoes? Why would I want my shoes to blend in with my dress??? I want my shoes to be noticed. I just want my dress to fit, too. Hmph.

I'm going to go cry now. I feel let down by my own decision, and I feel unsupported in my choices, and that makes me sad.

borderline magical

It's going to be over so soon. By the time I finish this post, there'll be 50 days left. I've been so wrapped up in the planning, the doing, the not doing though I should have. And I've forgotten that I meant to keep track of this time because it'll never happen again. I am engaged to be married to the most amazing person I've ever met, the best friend I've ever had, my most kindred spirit, but only for 7 more weeks. My engaged will come to a bittersweet end in 1,115 hours. And I'll have forgotten what it was like by our first anniversary because I had my nose stuck in a stack of invitations and a pair of running shoes, not to mention earning paychecks.

What an absoutely tragic way to have spent the last 11 months (to the day).

I need to keep you better informed, if not for your sake (because, let's face: you've all gotten along fine without me) then for my own. I'm an incredibly romantic and sentimental person, but only in retrospect. I'm the one who always says, "Man I wish I had brought the camera for that." In these last two, busiest, but most important months, I need to keep better track of how I feel right now. What other time in my life will I more want to be able to recall those emotions?

Tomorrow is my second fitting. My mother goes with my this time so that she can learn to do the French Bustle in the back, in the absense of any bridesmaids living close enough to be there. I - can't - wait. During the first fitting, seeing the dress in the mirror with all of the pins holding it so close to my body, fitting every curve as if it were designed around my (lately ever slimming) figure - it was borderline magical, and I'm glad I was alone for it. I'm not good about sharing these sorts of things with people I am not either incredibly intimate with (fiance, best friends) or perfect strangers to. But the image in that mirror - the way my skin prickled with goosebumps in strange, morphing patterns... it was the first time I actually felt like I was getting married and not - how did my fiance put it? - "just being the hostess of a huge party."

That was two weeks ago, and tomorrow, we'll see the result. Of course, last time I was there, I was hours before starting my period, and not quite back in to my running rhythm after that months long hiatus in the winter. For all I know: it may still not fit at all. Wouldn't that be a joyous surprise?

One last thing: I'm ashamed of the angry, vengeful, stubborn woman I started out as at the beginning of my engagement. I started this blog in great part in order to have a place to vent about all of my frustrations coming from whatever direction they came from so that I could compose myself well in public. The intent was not to be gracious or tactful, but honest and cathardic, but in treating this blog that way, I was made to see myself for who I really was and how I really felt about people.

I don't want to be that woman.

I'm learning more and more, as this day draws closer and more people do irritating things, something I should have learned years ago as a child. Such a simple concept: just because I have a right to feel hurt, or upset, or angry, doesn't mean it makes me a better person if I exercise that right.

For that reason, I am going to consider going back through my old entries (all 3 of them) and editing the less gracious parts out. I don't want to be the type of person who has to hide a part of her life from those she wants to share it with just so she can vent. I want to be gracious and forgiving, not angry or vengeful. Just like a bride ought to be.

I mean, how quickly I forget how much I have to be thankful for. I may deserve to be upset by any numbers of things that happen as a direct result of this wedding, but in compassion, I should always remember that no one else has the privelege of marrying this amazingly supportive and loving man. And for that, the entire rest of the world deserves my deepest and profound sympathies.